2.24.25. maybe it's not that i forget to trust the universe. i just tolerate high-stress situations for way too long. i feel guilty for having an inner anchor and a sense of self and a rich inner world. i also learn more and more how to protect myself in a way that is simply about me. not about anyone else. just about what i do and need and want. i don't want to punish anyone with my boundaries, or disappear, or weaponize my rigidity. i want to be soft and loving. i also want to feel protected.

2.16.25. ok. i am pursuing security and making changes. i am saying what's on my heart and taking risks. i am protecting what is most important. i always act with integrity... i have very meaningful boundaries and my value system is really reliable. my value system is strongly informed by love and kindness and acceptance. i am not living a life where i want people to see me a certain way or i want to hide the worst parts of myself. so many things that used to terrify me no longer do. i feel safe in myself and i really trust myself to make good decisions that are harm-reductive for everyone involved. i am working hard to find ways to work less hard.

2.11.25. it feels like it's literally killing me to not have the space i want and need. i am trying to talk to my nervous system and my trauma and see who is screaming. turns out, both. my heart is racing, my stomach has felt awful for weeks. in a way, i just want to overpower my trauma. but on another, i feel like i am in a circumstance that is actively deteriorating my health and i am genuinely concerned that i will not lose myself or my autonomy but lose myself. my trauma does believe that my autonomy is being threatened. my sensory needs, and material needs are also not being met. i feel so sick about the situation i am in, where i am achingly uncomfortable. i don't want to let this part of me lead the whole show. i want to be real about how hard things can be for me. it's not easy. but it's also not working for anyone. i think it can be easier.

2.10.25. recently i celebrated another birthday. i'm staring down my past self as a way of being present. i like how they look, and i feel guilty for some of their behaviors. i'm doing my best to make them proud, and to show them people can change. i am so different than i was five years ago. the way i act now, is not how i used to act. i am now a person who does x instead of y. this makes me believe in god.